A friendly warning on this ……. day of …… 1988 to the parents, relatives, friends, girlfriend and neighbors of the following member of the SADF:
NO: ……. Rank: …………… Name: ………………..
In a short time the above mentioned soldier will temporarily take his place among you, feeling demoralized, bossies, sand mad and probably fly crazy.
You are earnestly advised to do the following in preparation for forthcoming pass:
1. Locking up your daughters in their rooms, (neighbors)
2. Filling your fridge with beer.
3. Taking his clothes out of the mothballs.
4. Have the HI-FI in working order.
5. Have the car filled with petrol.
6. Cancel all invitations.
Be prepared for:
1. Dirty language
2. Bad manners
The reason for this is that he comes from bad circumstances which were his surroundings for the past …. months on the border.
Therefore show no alarm if he:
1. Chooses to sit on the floor instead of a chair.
2. Visit a friend in just a towel and a pair of hang ten sandles.
3. Rakes the garden 06h00 in the morning to prepare for inspections (warn the neighbors not to laugh at him.)
4. Drinks out of plastic bags.
5. Stamps the dust off his boots before entering a building.
6. Insults anybody in a uniform (including the postman).
7. Screams hysterically at anybody with a dark skin.
8. Has a fit when he sees canned bully beef or mixed vegetables.
9. Makes a reverse charge telephone call to the neighbors or his friends. You may occasionally find him on the lawn in the garden in the morning in only a pair of underpants shaving in front of a broken mirror or brushing his teeth under the tap. In the evening he might shower under the garden hose once again only in his underpants. Warn the neighbors not to stare at him. Carefully show him how to use the luxury of hot water and a bathtub. Insure that there are enough magazines of his liking such as Playboy, Stag, Bunnygirl, Giggles-and-gags etc. (Remember, in 1988!)
Also insure that the radio is tuned to one of the following stations:
1. Stand at ease.
2. Force favourites.
3. Radio Ovambo Top Twenty (with as much interference as possible)
Don’t let him in the streets alone as he is not used to the traffic anymore. He will walk in the middle of the street as he has forgotten all the rules and road signs. Prepare him by binding him to at tree and running around him pushing a wheelbarrow. This will help him a lot.
General:
Don’t be alarmed if he wakes you in the middle of the night telling you that it is your turn to stand guard. Kindly tell him it has been canceled.
Also don’t send him away to do your shopping, for this may cause chaos if the shopkeeper refuses to sell him a Coke for 50c, a bar of soap for 50c and a warm beer for 50c. Play along when he gives you an open letter. Pretend to be censoring it and stick a stamp on it, for he has forgotten what that is.
In the beginning his language might be disappointing but it will slowly improve.
Be specially careful not to praise either the army, navy or the airforce, for this will let him start using bad bush language all over again.
Don’t be surprised if you find him in the sandpit on a children’s playground, he is merely missing the white sand of S.W.A. and Angola. You may also find him at the nearby building site, stark naked, holding his bundle of clothes, fighting with the builders that it is his turn to use the cement mixer to wash his clothes.
Preparation for meals:
His diet for the first few days should consist of dehydrated potatoes, mixed eggs, and other mush. Allow the meat to go off slightly (about a week) before preparing and giving it to him. Any fresh food is out, for his body is not used to that anymore after all these months. Give him his food on a metal plate and not you best crockery.
In conclusion:
In closing above all, handle him with love and respect. This is especially asked from his girlfriend, for he might overreact at even a kiss.
Bear in mind that beneath his burned face and brown rugged skin there beats a heart of gold (this he does not know). Therefore treasure this human as its worth cannot be measured. By following the above measures you have a chance to turn this hollow, dumb, nutcase into the man you used to know.
Your co-operation in this matter is gratefully appreciated by the SADF. He has kept you safe in your home, keep him safe from himself. We wish you the best of luck in this matter.
NOTICE OF RETURN
